Welcome to the Act Against Injustice 3-part series focusing on the very real dangers of child grooming.
We are focusing on an introductory series devoted especially to parents to help them identify what grooming is; the 6 steps of the grooming process; the issues behind it; internet and social security for children; identification of grooming and abuse issues; how to identify and the steps to take if you feel grooming is happening.
Throughout this series we will provide resources and examples and if at any stage you would like more information on the areas/ subject, or even look to delve deeper into various areas that we may or may not have covered, then please feel free to email us directly at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .
If you need to contact us regarding any delicate matters or believe someone you know may be a victim of grooming, trafficking or abuse then please email us directly at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or check out AAI's helpme page.
Additionally, we also plan to run a more indepth look at child grooming later on in the year when we will be releasing another 6 part series catering especially and designed for teachers to aid the teaching of this subject to children. This is initially planned for October 2011.
Part One - Jan 17th, 2011.
Grooming - A general introduction.
Part-2 of the series
- What is Grooming?
The Home Office has defined grooming as: 'A course of conduct enacted by a suspected paedophile which would give a reasonable person cause for concern that any meeting with a child arising from the conduct would be for unlawful purposes.'
OR, In simple terms. Grooming is the deliberate action taken with the aim of befriending and establishing an emotional connection with a child, and forming a trusting relationship with that child in order to lower the child's inhibitions in preparation for sexual activity with the child, or exploitation (such as child labour - see trafficking of children).
Child grooming may be used to lure minors into illicit businesses such as child prostitution or the production of child pornography
The act of grooming a child sexually may include activities that are legal in and of themselves, but later lead to sexual contact. This is done to gain the child's trust as well as the trust of those responsible for the child's well-being. Furthermore, research has shown that children are less likely to report a crime if it involves someone that the child knows, trusts, and cares about. Additionally, a trusting relationship with the family means the child's parents will be less likely to believe any potential accusations.
- Stranger danger?
This is a term that was once popular and used to scare a parent into believing strangers were the main dangers to children. Strangers are potentially dangerous, but the abduction of children is still relatively rare compared to the number of children abused by people they know.
It is important for children to be taught not to go off with people that they don’t know, but the biggest risk comes from family members, extended family members and friends of the family.
Teaching children about strangers is acceptable to parents – in fact most parents expect schools to include stranger danger teaching in the primary school curriculum. Teaching children how to recognise problematic behaviour in adults that they know is a much harder task.
- Abuse by a stranger - The Facts
Generally child sexual abuse occurs at the hands of someone personally close and well known to that child. Thus, abuse is usually preceded by grooming
The 6 stages of grooming
Grooming is the process by which an offender draws a victim into a sexual relationship and maintains that relationship in secrecy. The shrouding of the relationship is an essential feature of grooming. Forensic psychiatrist Dr. Michael Welner explains the six stages that can lead up to sexual molestation.
The grooming sex offender works to separate the victim from peers, typically by engendering in the child a sense that they are special to the child and giving a kind of love to the child that the child needs.
Different law enforcement officers and academics have proposed models of the "stages" of grooming. Since there are a variety of these models, it's best to think of the grooming by sex offenders as a gradual, calculated process that ensnares children into a world in which they are ultimately a willing part of the sex abuse.
Stage 1: Targeting the victim
The offender targets a victim by sizing up the child's vulnerability—emotional neediness, isolation and lower self-confidence. Children with less parental oversight are more desirable prey.
Stage 2: Gaining the victim's trust
The sex offender gains trust by watching and gathering information about the child, getting to know his needs and how to fill them. In this regard, sex offenders mix effortlessly with responsible caretakers because they generate warm and calibrated attention. Only more awkward and overly personal attention, or a gooey intrusiveness, provokes the suspicion of parents. Otherwise, a more suave sex offender is better disciplined for how to push and poke, without revealing themselves. Think of the grooming sex offender on the prowl as akin to a spy—and just as stealthy.
Stage 3: Filling a need
Once the sex offender begins to fill the child's needs, that adult may assume noticeably more importance in the child's life and may become idealized. Gifts, extra attention, affection may distinguish one adult in particular and should raise concern and greater vigilance to be accountable for that adult.
Stage 4: Isolating the child
The grooming sex offender uses the developing special relationship with the child to create situations in which they are alone together. This isolation further reinforces a special connection. Babysitting, tutoring, coaching and special trips all enable this isolation.
A special relationship can be even more reinforced when an offender cultivates a sense in the child that he is loved or appreciated in a way that others, not even parents, provide. Parents may unwittingly feed into this through their own appreciation for the unique relationship.
Stage 5: Sexualizing the relationship
At a stage of sufficient emotional dependence and trust, the offender progressively sexualizes the relationship. Desensitization occurs through talking, pictures, even creating situations (like going swimming) in which both offender and victim are naked. At that point, the adult exploits a child's natural curiosity, using feelings of stimulation to advance the sexuality of the relationship.
When teaching a child, the grooming sex offender has the opportunity to shape the child's sexual preferences and can manipulate what a child finds exciting and extend the relationship in this way. The child comes to see himself as a more sexual being and to define the relationship with the offender in more sexual and special terms.
Stage 6: Maintaining control
Once the sex abuse is occurring, offenders commonly use secrecy and blame to maintain the child's continued participation and silence—particularly because the sexual activity may cause the child to withdraw from the relationship.
Children in these entangled relationships—and at this point they are entangled—confront threats to blame them, to end the relationship and to end the emotional and material needs they associate with the relationship, whether it be the dirt bikes the child gets to ride, the coaching one receives, special outings or other gifts. The child may feel that the loss of the relationship and the consequences of exposing it will humiliate and render them even more unwanted.
- It’s not just the child who is groomed.
Many paedophiles gain access to the child through their parents, developing trusting relationships that mean the parents feel their children are in safe company, even when left alone with the offender. Unfortunately, this makes it even more difficult for the child to report the abuse.
- Comments from the abusers themselves:
"Parents are so naive—they’re worried about strangers and should be worried about their brother-in-law. They just don’t realize how devious we can be. I used to abuse children in the same room with their parents and they couldn’t see it or didn’t seem to know it was happening."
"Parents are partly to blame if they don’t tell their children about sexual matters — I used it to my advantage by teaching the child myself."
"Parents shouldn’t be embarrassed to talk about things like this — it’s harder to abuse or trick a child who knows what you’re up to."
The above quotations come directly from the mouths of convicted child molesters. It should not be difficult to see that each quote mentions a key point – parents must be aware of the trickery child abusers employ and take an active part in heading off the potential for abuse. Parents should understand how predators “groom” their victims for sexual abuse and know what they can do to educate their children on how to recognize grooming before the predator transitions from groomer to abuser.
The process a child abusers utilizes to gain the trust of his potential victim is called “grooming”. Grooming focuses on a single, very important premise – the predator must break down the child’s natural defenses and gain the trust of the child. Accomplishing this allows them to manipulate the child into accepting their sexual advances.
What parents need to be aware of:
Parents must also recognize and understand that the grooming process requires constant ongoing contact with the child. Anyone who is allowed unfettered access to your child should be suspect of sexual abuse. Parents should also know that just as the predator may seduce the child in order to gain the child’s trust, the predator often has to seduce the parent too in order to be allowed uninhibited access to his potential victim. The predator must ensure that the parent trusts them too.
Parents must also remember that adolescent children, particularly boys, can become aroused very easily. Combine this with the fact that adolescents are curious and rebellious, and it’s easy to see that they are primed to be sexually abused by an adult. Parents should make sure their children understand this too. In addition, parents should make sure the child understands that even though they may be aroused by almost anything, taking part in a sexual relationship with an adult, even if the child initiates the sexual seduction themselves, is classified as child sexual abuse. When it comes to child sexual abuse, the adult is ALWAYS to blame.
In addition, parents should understand that in some cases, the child abuse victim may recognize the abusers need for sexual relations and may use that advantage to gain what they want. The child may attempt to withhold sexual favors in order to manipulate the abuser into giving the child what they want. Although this sounds horrendous on the surface and goes against or notion of "innocent children", children are natural manipulators from birth. This is simply human nature and survival instincts in work. The parent should know that this may cause the child to experience extreme guilt or embarrassment and hence, they may be very reluctant to disclose. The child should know that any "consensual" sexual conduct between an adult and a child is sexual abuse. The child is never responsible neither morally, nor legally.
Parents should recognize that the bond manufactured by the predator may be hard to break. This is another major reason why children are reluctant to report sexual abuse. The abuser may have treated the child better than anyone else has ever treated them. The child may not want to see an end to the gifts and favors the abuser provides the victim. The child may truly care for the abuser even though the child knows what the abuser is doing is wrong.
Above all, the parent must educate the child in the art of grooming so that the child has a chance to recognize it given the unfortunate instance where a predator attempts to groom them for sexual exploitation.
here are some links to recent news items involving child grooming to see for yourself what is happening
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12202489
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-12152827
http://www.whitbygazette.co.uk/news/grooming_cannot_be_simplified_on_ethnic_lines_1_2922433
http://www.guardian.co.uk/law/2011/jan/06/child-sex-trafficking-racial-stereotyping
...We will continue our 3-part series on child grooming next Monday (24th Jan) with Part two where we take a look at the Internet, online chat rooms, mobile phone security with advice for parents and children.
For more information please feel free to
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